2017 : The year of Finding Nancy
p.s. I wrote this piece in 2018 but left it in my drafts for 5 years because I am new to this vulnerability thingy.
2017 for me began on the brink of despair — despair so cloudy I desperately sought for answers to questions that long plagued me. A tinge of darkness, maybe, but most of my gloom emanated from the grief of my recently deceased mum. For months into 2017, I viewed everything through a screen of negativity, believing that nothing mattered anymore. This was the year I was determined to quit — all, but somehow I didn’t. Instead, I learned about my fire, I learned to look at myself through the God-lens, I learned about the most important asset anyone could have and I learned how faith can liberate.
God-validation versus people-validation
Prior to 2017, I was many things to many people without any underlying personality with which all who knew me could uniformly hold on to. It wasn’t until I began to introspect and ask questions that I realized I didn’t really know me. I started to actively engage in conversations that will help me discover the things I like, what I stand for and what makes me, me. I termed it — finding Nancee. At the same time, I began documenting new things I’ve observed about myself. I began to appreciate the little things that make me who I am no matter how despicable they may seem. I would say my journey to self-discovery began in 2017.
I have gradually shifted from seeing myself through the people-lens to seeing myself through the Nancee-lens. I thought I had arrived, but true fulfillment didn’t come until I learned of the third lens, which should have been the first but is definitely the most impeccable lens of all, the one that truly matters — the God-lens. I learned through the hard way that people’s opinions are fleeting and change with circumstances whereas in God’s eyes, I am lit. God loves me, in spite of my insecurities, my imperfect self and always sees in me the righteousness of His son. Here are three things I’d recommend you STOP doing right away.
- Don’t mind your now but look forward to the glorious future of who God wants you to be.
- Don’t attach your self- worth to other’s perception of you or your achievements.
- Don’t hinge your self-approval on someone’s opinion of you.
Family and Friends
Family is one the most wonderful gifts we can ever have. The greatest asset we can boast of is being surrounded by people who genuinely care about us and are on our side. Family and friends. They are the ones whose shadows remain long after the light is gone. The ones who stick it out with us through laughter and pain, through thick and thin. But sometimes, we forget to appreciate the roles these people play in our lives and we take them for granted. Just in case you are, here are a few words for you:
- Hold tight to your tribe (family and friends.
- Communication is key in any relationship. Learn to talk and listen.
- Give. For in giving we receive.
Faith versus Fear
I have always know fear — in various forms. Crippling fear from nightmares that leave me grasping for breath, panic attacks that sneak up on me in the wake of a perceived disturbance, fear of the unknown, fear of the known, fear of not-having, fear of losing it all, fear of love, fear of death; all manner of irrelevant phobias ruled my mind. Worry, anxiety and unbelief all come from fear and I lived with them, for a very long time. I embraced constant worry disguised as ‘care’ — as my sisterly obligation to fellow humans. I always expected the worst with the hope that if things do not work out, at least, I got what I expected — nothing. The danger of this mindset, I later realized, is that I would never enjoy the present because I am either too fixed on the past to try anything new or too anxious of the future to move ahead. I would say that my emancipation from fear came as a result of my new found faith — in God. If fear in any form has become a part of you, here are three facts you should always remember:
- Fear cannot co-habit with faith. It is either one or the other.
- What you fear will catch up on you.
- Faith dispels fear.
